


What Isn't Lost (My Memories Of You)

by Chechilia



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bad use of hospital beds, Bottom Merlin, Cuddling, Fluff and Angst, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, Injury, M/M, Memory Loss, Top Arthur, mentions of bullying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-08
Updated: 2017-05-08
Packaged: 2018-10-29 13:39:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10855119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chechilia/pseuds/Chechilia
Summary: After an accident, Merlin wakes up in a hospital. He feels fine, except he lost six years of his life.And then there's the matter of Arthur. Why would the bully he was terrified of in high school be at his side ?And why does his heart beat that much faster every time he sees him ?





	What Isn't Lost (My Memories Of You)

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time writing something a bit longer than usual, so all comments are welcome !  
> The angst isn't that heavy, I swear. And there's fluff. And sex. And a kid Mordred. What to ask more ?  
> Oh, and I didn't graduate in medicine, so all medical stuff are probably far from accurate. I think.  
> Hope you'll enjoy it !

Bip. Bip. Bip.

The sound is loud in the silence of the room. Everything is black when it should be too bright, the sensations are dulled, there's an uncomfortable twinge in his arm.

Bip. Bip. Bip. There's a warm touch on his hand and something itches at the back of his head. He doesn't know where he is.

Bip. Bip. Bip. The sound is steady, akin to a heartbeat. It is a heartbeat, he realizes. It matches the blood pounding in his ears. It is his heartbeat, slow but strong.

Something is wrong and he's not dead. Somewhere inside his mind, he knows he should be, was, could be ? It's strange : he doesn't know why. He dimly recalls a shock, and then going to sleep. He's waking up now and it scares him.

Seeking comfort, he tightens his fingers around the warm touch he felt before. He knows he's weak but the touch is enough : he hears a voice.

" Merlin ? "

He knows this voice, he thinks, but he isn't sure : never in his life he heard it sound so vulnerable. The warm touch disappears, leaving him feeling bereft. There's a call somewhere and the sound accelerates.

He opens his eyes.

There's a flurry of voices around him, gentle voices ones he can't recognize but that worry him anyway : he begins to understand where he is.

The walls are white, enough to blind him. He looks away. The twinge in his arm is a syringe, and that makes him shudder a bit : he always hated syringes.

" He's regaining consciousness " someone says.

" Thank God " is the plain relief that chokes voice he knows.

He blinks and barely manages to make out the forms beside him. Nurses. The forms are nurses.

He's in a hospital. He knows that, but the realization hits him hard still.

Bip. Bip. Bip. The sound races. The warm touch is back, a hand entwining with his own, a gentling finger running circles over his skin.

" It's alright " the voice he knows murmurs. " You're alright. You're safe now. "

His breathing slows enough.

" Why am I here ? " he croaks out, voice rough from misuse.

He gratefully accepts the glass of water presented to him with a straw.

" You fell off the stairs " the voice replies.

He doesn't remember. Why doesn't he remember ? He wants to ask more but another voice chimes in :

" I'm sorry sir, but you must let him rest now. "

The nurse injects him with something and his vision becomes blurry. His last conscious feeling is that of the hand pressing on his own, warm and reassuring.

***

The second time he wakes up, he's quick to adjust to the light. There's a headache building up behind his eyelids, and his throat feels raw, as if he swallowed up sand. It's more than uncomfortable, but he thinks it more important to understand what happened.

He winces a bit when he tries to put himself upright. There's a plaster on his left arm and he doesn't know why. He manages to move anyway, and by the time a nurse appears at the door, he's sprawled out on the pillow.

" Mr Emrys ! " the nurse exclaims happily. " You're finally awake. "

She puts a stray lock of blond hair behind her ear and comes beside him, checking his monitor. From where he is, he can see the name written on her blouse : Elena.

" Everything looks fine " she says with a beaming smile. " We just have to verify a few more things before you'll be allowed to leave the hospital. "

She looks at him expectantly and he nods. She smiles again :

" So, how are you feeling ? " she asks.

He chuckles at the words and the action makes him cough roughly.

" I've been better " he croaks out, throat tight.

The nurse's eyes widen, and she slaps her mouth in her haste to cover it.

" Oh, I'm terribly sorry ! " she says.

She fumbles with his bedside table and turns to hand him a glass of water.

" I always forget " she adds.

She looks apologetic, biting her lip in worry. Her genuine attitude makes him smile :

" It's alright " he replies after gulping half the water down. " I just feel like the Sahara chose my mouth as a camping place. "

The nurse nods, sympathetic, and his try at humor makes her smile. She looks very pretty like this, soft blond hair curling on her shoulders despite being tied behind her head. Her eyes are bright, full of mischief and happiness, as if her job truly was her favorite thing to do. She watches him empty his glass and serves him a second one as he finally asks :

" What happened ? "

Her features turn grave.

" You fell off the stairs " she replies, and doesn't that explain the way his entire body is aching. " You had a pretty serious concussion, but it seems all cleared out now. "

She smiles to reassure him, and it works to some extent. He doesn't remember the fall but it must be the reason his arm seems broken and his head itches, as if the skin was healing over a wound. Beside him, Elena grabs a light :

" I need to check a few things, if that's alright with you ? "

The question isn't really one, but he nods anyway. The nurse directs the light to his eyes and asks him to follow it, looking for any anomaly in the contraction of his pupils. Finding none, she puts the light down and turns to him. She opens her mouth to ask a question but suddenly seems to remember something :

" Oh ! And I'm Elena, by the way " she says with a sheepish smile.

The late introduction makes him smile.

" I figured " he replies, indicating her blouse.

Elena blushes, looking down at her chest.

" Right " she says, cheeks flushed.

She looks up again :

" With that being cleared out, perhaps you could tell me your name, Mr Emrys ? "

He raises an eyebrow at the question :

" Emrys, I guess ? " he replies.

She shakes her head with a smile :

" Your first name, I mean. "

Merlin frowns. His name should be on his chart, he figures. His mind feels fuzzy from the drugs they pumped him with, but he remembers that, at least.

" You can call me Merlin " he answers with a cheeky smile.

She nods, but before she can ask any more questions, their attention is turned toward a man appearing at the door.

The cup of coffee he holds in his hand sways dangerously when the man registers that Merlin is awake. Merlin's eyes trail over his body, taking in the broad shoulders and wide stance and muscled chest and _those thighs_ , and his mouth waters at the sight. The man looks downright gorgeous, and it doesn't help that his body is complimented by a strong jaw and soft blond hair and light blue eyes that make him look like a man just out of a cover magazine.

But then, before any of them has time to talk, Merlin looks at the man's face, really looks, and his heart leaps in his chest. His muscles lock and he takes a defensive stance, scrambling away from him.

" What the hell are you doing here ? " he exclaims harshly.

The man freezes upon hearing him, eyes widening.

" Merlin ? " he asks, an echo of _something_ in his voice, something afraid and vulnerable.

Merlin recognizes that voice, the deep and posh accent soothing his nerves. And doesn't that make him feel ill, because :

" It's you that put me here, isn't it ? " he yells, angry now. " You thought it was just a playful shove in some alleys of school and didn't think I was going to fall of the stairs ? "

The man's mouth opens in horror :

" I didn't...Merlin...I found you, but I'd never... "

He looks incredibly pale and his hands are shaking. Merlin's anger deflates at the sight, replaced by worry, even as he recoils in fear as the man approaches him. The latter freezes again and wants to add something, but the nurse suddenly turns to Merlin as what he said registers :

" Merlin ? Why would you both be in school ? "

Merlin frowns and momentarily turns toward the nurse.

" Because we're in uni ? " he replies questioningly, and the look on Elena's face tells him that it wasn't the right answer.

" Merlin ? " she asks again, worry coloring her features. " How old are you ? "

Merlin shakes his head, because this feels like some kind of sick game and he suddenly feels incredibly tired.

" I'm nineteen " he replies, the answer obvious.

A gasp turns his attention to the man at the door. His skin turned downright ashen at the words, and it doesn't suit him : Merlin knows the man's supposed to have a golden skin and a warm smile.

He frowns at his own thoughts. No, Merlin thinks, Arthur was never warm. He looks at him again, and he can see it now, the dark circles under his eyes, the lost look on his face, the way he's holding himself, as if afraid of breaking apart.

" If it's not you that pushed me down the stairs " he asks before anyone can cut him off, " then why would Arthur Pendragon, the golden boy and great bully, be visiting me at the hospital ? "

The question makes the man - Arthur - flinch, as if hurt by a physical blow. His eyes are unusually bright and his breathing shallow. He shakes his head at the questioning look Elena, the nurse, gives him :

" We've known each other since high school " he explains, voice incredibly thin.

The nurse finally turns toward Merlin, who is starting to understand that something is horribly wrong with him, even if he can't figure out what. Until Elena puts her hand on his and squeezes gently :

" I'm sorry, Merlin " she says softly, " but you're twenty-five. "

***

Memory loss. That's what Elena told him after a few further questions. She told him she would call the doctor for further explanations, but she's fairly confident in her diagnostic. He's suffering from severe memory loss, covering the last six years of his life. It's a truth he can't fathom : how can one forget so much ?

It's hard to understand. It doesn't feel like he's missing something : he doesn't feel the void that comes with forgetfulness. There's no empty feelings in his chest, no thoughts nagging at the back of his mind.

But maybe he didn't forget anything. Maybe it's all still there, somewhere. He thinks bout the picture that came to mind when he saw Arthur : skin glowing in the sun and a smile warmer than the star itself. He never knew Arthur like that in the short time they spent together in high school, nor in what he remembers of their time in uni. And maybe there's an answer for that ; maybe it's one of his last memories.

He shrugs it off as nonsense though. There's no way Arthur and him became friends, despite what the latter told him. He still remembers the fear he felt every time his path crossed the bully's, waiting with his heart in his throat for a blow that never came. Already in high school he had been labeled different : because he was smart, because he was gay, because he loved to read. It was only natural for him to fear the jocks and popular boys, like Valiant or Cendred, the ones that liked to humiliate him or corner him to insult him, even if they never touched him. Arthur had been the likes of them at the time. Always fixing him with cold eyes every time he walked passed.

Merlin shudders at the memory. If he truly has forgotten six years of his past, he would have wished to have forgotten high school, not uni. Sighing in resignation, he strains his ears to hear what is being said behind the door of his room. Arthur is out there, he knows, discussing with his doctor. He still doesn't understand why Arthur is here for him, why he looks so concerned about his well being. Why he looked so lost when he learned that Merlin didn't remember his time with him.

Thinking back to when he woke up, he tries to match this new sight of Arthur with the one he once knew. His eyes are still blue, his hair all golden and soft, like the fur of an animal, but perhaps longer now, styled in a I-just-woke-up fashion - the one Merlin can pull off without even trying. His jaw looks sharper, with a light stubble he didn't have before, as if he hasn't shaved for days. And maybe, Merlin thinks, maybe it's the case.

Arthur also filled out nicely, and the thought makes Merlin frown. Arthur had always been the sport type, playing footie with his mates type, jogging-in-the-morning-and-weightlifting-in-the-evening type. But now he's gained muscle in all the right places, having strong thighs and biceps to die for and abs to make anybody swoon.  
Merlin feels vaguely nauseous to think about Arthur like this. Like Arthur is someone to desire and not someone to be terrified off. It's unsettling, but he hasn't time to dwell on it : the door to his room opens and a woman comes inside, followed by Arthur.

The woman introduces herself as Mithian Nemeth, specialist in neurology, and Merlin immediately likes her. She's kind and careful in her questions, explaining everything she does with the calm air of a professional. She quickly notices Merlin's discomfort at Arthur's sight, so she gently asks him to leave the room. Arthur looks like he wants to protest, but obeys anyway, and Merlin's grateful because he talks more easily once he's gone.

He learns that he's going to need a brain scanner to assess the damages done by his fall. It scares him, but he knows it's the only way to understand what happened to him. Almost as an afterthought, he tells Doctor Nemeth about the picture he had of Arthur, smiling in the sun. And when he explains that it's nothing he remembers of up until his second year of uni - the first he forgot - she smiles warmly at him :

" He cares about you a great deal, you know " she says softly. " You've been unconscious for three days and he never once left your side. "

The words startle him, but before he has the time to reply, the doctor continues :

" You don't have to do anything you don't want to, Merlin, you have to understand that. But maybe you could give him a chance to explain. "

What convinces Merlin is the fact that it could help him remember. After Mithian Nemeth leaves, he allows Arthur to enter his room. His smile is strained but he tries nonetheless :

" Hey " he says softly, and for the first time he isn't afraid or angry.

" Hey " Arthur replies roughly. " How are you... "

He swallows nervously.

" How are you feeling ? " he finally manages to ask.

Merlin just shrugs, grimacing :

" I've been better " he replies. " A bit shaken, I guess, with the whole..."

He makes an encompassing gesture with his hand :

"...memory thing. "

Arthur just nods, and shuffles closer with hesitant steps.

" Can I..."

He indicates the chair beside his bed and Merlin nods in agreement. Arthur sits with a pained look on his face, emotion that he tries to conceal.

" So " Merlin starts after an awkward silence, " the doctor said that we were...somehow friends now ? "

Arthur smiles faintly :

" Yeah " he says after a beat, " we are. "

Merlin just looks at him, and Arthur's gaze wanders off as he begins to explain. As it turns out, the very same bully he was afraid of in high school was the one that saved him from a raging homophobe that tried to bash his head in on his second year in uni. The man was arrested by the police and left handcuffed to a gurney, with a broken nose and several nasty bruises. Arthur and his friends were taken to the headmaster's office. The headmaster's own daughter, Freya, was a lesbian, and the man paled in anger when he learned what had happened to Merlin. " What if it had been my daughter, huh ? " he said, before dismissing them with a simple warning.

Badly shaken, Merlin had offered to buy Arthur and his friends a drink to thank them. They had finally accepted after vivid protests, arguing that their behavior had been normal, that they had done what anyone would have done at their place. It was the first time they had talked to each other, and Merlin had learnt there that despite his stern appearance, Arthur was an alright man.

" I truly was a prat " Arthur explains at some point, " but you didn't hesitate to tell me so. That's why we got along so much. We could insult each other without becoming angry or hurt. "

Merlin looks at him for a second, puzzled, but there's a flash inside his mind :

" We could bicker like an old married couple, you mean " he mutters.

Arthur freezes.

" Merlin ? "

Merlin looks up, a bit sheepish.

" Just a thought " he admits, worrying his lower lip. " I think...a friend of us used to say that ? "

Arthur smiles, looking relieved and faintly sad at the same time :

" Yeah, Gwaine still does " he answers.

Merlin's eyebrows shoot up :

" You know Gwaine ? " he asks, bewildered.

Arthur nods, faintly grimacing :

" Unfortunately, I do " he replies. " You're the one who introduced him to me. "

After that, Merlin simply listens throughout his story, not interrupting to ask questions, soaking up information like a sponge. When Arthur finally pauses, bringing his gaze back on Merlin, it gives Merlin the courage to ask the question that plagued him since he woke up.

" You said earlier..."

He bits his lip, studying Arthur's face :

" You said earlier that you were the one to find me ? "

Arthur looks pained and his features close off. He swallows with difficulty, and when he replies his voice is rough :

" I did. "

It's the worst then, for Merlin to see the look in Arthur's eyes as he recounts the facts. He tells him about their choice to become roommates and to live together. He tells him about his late night at work and the way he'd found him, unconscious on the floor down the stairs, blood pooling around him from his head and an open fracture in his arm. He also tells him about the call to an ambulance, the paralyzing terror. About the fear that had seeped into his very bones, the few minutes he had waited, trembling, for the ambulance to arrive, not knowing if Merlin was alive or dead.

Merlin watches him all along, struck hard by the way Arthur's shaking, recalling memories that were like shards of ice inside his heart. And it's odd, because for Merlin, Arthur is still the young boy he was in high school : a posh prat thinking himself important because of daddy's money, and most of all a bully that looked him down every time their path crossed. Yet Merlin can't help the urge to soothe him, to make him smile and stop the hurtful thoughts from reaching his mind.

He tries to joke it off, asking how they were even able to live together, how, as being roommates implied some kind of proximity, they hadn't torn each other's head off. Arthur smiles faintly at that, a shadow in his eyes, and Merlin knows his attempt failed, as Arthur looks even sadder than before.

" We simply found another way to let off steam " he answers, voice cracked.

There's an emotion passing on Arthur's face, there and gone the next second, that makes Merlin think that there's more to it than what Arthur says. The pain he sees in Arthur's eyes doesn't match his memories of him, his behavior so different from what he remembers.

There's a thought floating in his mind, an answer he tries to grasp, but to no avail. No matter how much he wants to remember, his memories fail him.

***

The night is heavy over the hospital when Merlin finally manages to fall asleep. Arthur and him talked for hours, Arthur explaining to him how, exactly, they had become that close friends, to the point of choosing to share a house. He didn't quite believe him at first, but the sincerity in Arthur's eyes was unmistakable. And he doesn't actually know why, but he wants Arthur to be right - he _wants_ them to have become close, and the thought frightens him.

Some time into the evening, Arthur bribed him with hot chocolate to get him to sleep. Merlin accepted and waited for Arthur to leave, but the latter surprised him by asking to stay for the night. For his own peace of mind, Merlin understood, when he noticed the pleading blue eyes. He said yes and Arthur fell asleep beside him, despite his protests, kneeling on the floor, face pressed on the mattress.

Unable to stop himself, Merlin reached out to tangle his fingers in Arthur's hair. The blond locks were soft under his hand, and Arthur made a sound in his sleep, leaning into the touch. He looked so peaceful then, free of the worry that had plagued him through the day. The lines on his brow were gone, and he looked less pale. Merlin's heart warmed at the sight, a fuzzy feeling spreading inside his chest, making him frown. Perhaps Arthur and him truly had become close friends during the last six years.

Because now that they told him, he can feel it : the black veil overriding his thoughts, hiding them from his own mind. He knows the memory are there, but he can't access them. It's weird and beyond frustrating. It's terrifying. And he knows no one can help him : his memories are his own, and he's the only one able to recover them. His gaze falls on the bed beside him and his heart thuds in his chest.

He falls asleep with his hands still tangled in Arthur's hair.

***

When Merlin wakes up the next day, it's to the sound of two voices arguing :

" You'll have to tell him at some point " says one, awaking an echo in his mind.

" I can't ! " replies vehemently the one that belongs to Arthur. " He doesn't...he doesn't remember me. He thinks I'm the one I was at nineteen ! How could I... "

He trails off as the voice shushes him :

" I know it's hard, Arthur, but you can't keep him in the dark forever. Look at how you woke up this morning ! He'll ask questions. When he will remember - and he _will_ \- he won't take too kindly to you having concealed that fact from him. "

There's a soft sound coming from Arthur, like that of a wounded animal.

" I know, I just...I can't, not so soon, he just woke up and..."

There's a heavy sigh, and then :

" It doesn't mean I approve, but alright. I'll keep mum. "

Arthur emits a sound of relief and it's humbling to hear him whisper :

" Thank you. "

Merlin's mind feels fuzzy, and it takes him a while to register what is being said. The reality of the events of the day before crashes through him, and it's with thoughts swirling in his mind that he calls out uncertainly :

" Arthur ? "

The door opens as he pulls himself upright, and Arthur is at his side in a second, gently propping him against his pillow. He looks tired but it's not surprising, with the night he passed on the floor. At least the lines of worry have faded from his brow, Merlin thinks.

Arthur takes his hand, as if knowing that it grounds Merlin, and smiles :

" Hey " he says softly. " How are you feeling today ? "

" M'fine " Merlin mumbles as an answer.

He tries to make sense of the feelings warring in his chest but fails. Why would the sole sight of Arthur make his heart beat that much faster, and at the same time make him recoil with remnants of fear ? A figure at the door distracts his attention, and a broad smile stretches his lips when he recognizes the handsome man and his amazing hair.

" Gwaine ! " he exclaims, laugh bubbling in his chest.

As is common with him, he suddenly feels the urge to hug him and strangle him at the same time. He feels something shift inside his mind, but the sensation is there and gone in an instant, leaving him unable to grasp the memory. Another replaces it and he grimaces :

" I'm so very happy to see you right now, but if you're looking for a casual hookup, forget me for the moment, will you ? I'm not exactly up to performance. "

He feels Arthur suddenly tense beside him, and turns his head to see him look away, jaw clenched, lips thinned in an angry line. He can definitely see the hurt in his eyes and it scares him, to be able to read him so easily. So he turns back to Gwaine, only to see him stare at him with wide eyes and a mouth slightly open in shock.

Feeling suddenly wrong footed, Merlin rubs at his eyes :

" Right " he says, and his voice sounds so very tired. " I guess we don't do this anymore, do we ? "

Gwaine looks at him with kind eyes and a hint of pity ; his reply is firm, and yet gentle :

" We haven't for a little more than five years, luv'. "

Beside him, Merlin feels Arthur relax and exhale softly, as if taking a hold on himself. He belatedly registers Gwaine's words :

" Luv' ? Since when do you call me like that ? " he asks, puzzled.

If he was less careful, Merlin would miss the quick glance Gwaine turns to Arthur at his words. As it is, it only confuses him further. Gwaine shrugs :

" It's been what, four years ? "

He doesn't explain more, and appears rather keen to change the subject. Merlin doesn't push, but he knows there is something there, something important.

" So, Merlin " Gwaine asks, plopping on a chair nearby, " what exactly do you remember ? "

The answer comes easily to Merlin, as he repeated it several times already :

" I remember everything up until our second year of uni. My memories are stuck around November, I think. After that, nothing - except everything that happened since I woke up. "

Gwaine's shoulder slump, as if under a weight too heavy for him to bear.

" Right " he says. " And in between ? Nothing, not even ideas or images ? "

Merlin looks down while slowly shaking his head. He can feel the tears prickling in his eyes, and blinks a few times. He can't help but think that he's letting his friends down somehow, even if he remembers one as a feared bully and the other as a fuck buddy that he sometimes confided in, but acted with more like a friend than a lover - without the romantic side of things.

" Hey. "

Arthur's voice in his ear, measured and soft, startles him.

" It's not your fault, Merlin " he says, thumb rubbing circles on the back of his hand. " No one blames you. "

Gwaine's head snaps up, eyes suddenly wide :

" Of course not " he exclaims, " never think that ! "

Merlin smiles but it feels weak. Arthur's hand trails up his arm before resting on his shoulder, squeezing softly. His blue eyes are kind and warm, even as a sad smile stretches his lips :

" It'll be alright, Merlin. You know what the doctor said, it isn't uncommon to lose fragments of memory after a head injury. It'll come back. "

" But I didn't just lose fragments ! " Merlin suddenly bursts out. " I lost six years ! What if...what if... "

His voice cracks. _What if I never remember ?_ He cannot finish his thought, but he doesn't need to : suddenly Arthur's arms are around him, holding him tight as his eyes spill the first tears. He cries on Arthur's shoulder, tainting his red shirt, round stains that look like blood. Arthur shushes him, murmuring nonsense in his ear to calm him down, as Gwaine watches them uncomfortably, shifting on his chair.

" It's alright, Merlin, " Arthur whispers, " it'll be alright. "

Merlin doesn't understand how Arthur's presence can soothe him so easily, but it does, and soon he just rests his head on the man's shoulder, nose buried in the crook of Arthur's neck, feeling the spasms subside.

When finally he pries himself apart from Arthur's embrace, he says with a wobbly voice :

" I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. It just gets a bit much, and..."

" It's fine, luv' " Gwaine says as Arthur smiles reassuringly, rubbing a soothing hand on his back. " Don't you apologize for that. "

They chat a bit after his breakdown, Gwaine providing him with new details from their lives. He learns that his best friend, Will, is on a trip to America with his girlfriend, and that Gwen is getting married. When he asks with whom, though, it's Arthur who clears his throat to answer :

" You remember Lance, my friend from high school ? "

Merlin's eyes widen :

" You're kidding me ! " he says.

He looks toward Gwaine for confirmation, and the latter nods, chuckling slightly.

" Well " he says finally, " that's good. She had a crush on him for ages. "

Arthur snorts, getting up :

" It was mutual, believe me. "

He goes to the door, obviously understanding Merlin's desire to talk to Gwaine alone.

" I'll go grab some coffee " he says as a way of explanation.

He gives Gwaine one last warning look before gently closing the door behind him. Merlin sighs loudly then, relaxing slightly :

" Please, Gwaine " he asks, a bit desperate, " tell me how it's even possible for me to be friend with him ? "

Gwaine's eyes turn compassionate :

" You learned to know him, luv', that's all " he replies.

Merlin's lips twist in some kind of smile. He takes a deep breath :

" I mean, I understand what he told me, that we became close and all, but...I still have troubles believing it. "

Gwaine's eyebrows shoot up, and there's a glint in his eyes :

" What don't you just ask him ? " he says simply. " Questions that only a friend could answer. You'll know then. "

Merlin nods, thoughtful. It makes sense, he thinks, because then he'll be sure that Arthur's behavior with him isn't just an act. Then he'll know that Arthur truly cares...And where does that thought comes from ?

A loud sound at the door makes his head shoot up, and before neither him nor Gwaine can do anything, there's someone crashing inside Merlin's bedroom.

" Sorry, terribly sorry ! "

It takes Merlin a few seconds to recognize Elena, the nurse. She's holding a tray of food, balancing dangerously between her hands. Gwaine stands hurriedly to help her, taking the tray from her to put it on the table.

" Thanks " Elena says, cheeks pink. " I'm not this clumsy, usually, but I've been up all night and..."

She trails off, looking at Gwaine, and the latter winks :

" No problem, my lady " he says, charming as ever.

Merlin groans, suddenly praying for Arthur to return soon. Years may have passed, but Gwaine's way of flirting is apparently still the same.

***

The rest of the day passes in a similar fashion. He receives other visits from his friends, Gwen and Lance and even Leon, Arthur's best friend since pre-school. Merlin can't help but laugh hysterically when he learns that Leon is living with Morgana, Arthur's half-sister.

" The woman's a witch ! " he says, wiping tears of joy.

Leon smiles at him, besotted, and it's a surprise to see himself so worried over a man he didn't even know the name of when he was a few years younger. Leon simply shrugs and admonishes him good-naturedly :

" She's your friend too, you know ! A bit of respect here " he says, amused.

Merlin looks away at that, all mirth forgotten, tears prickling behind his eyelids.

" I don't remember " he says quietly.

They don't mention Morgana anymore after that.

Arthur stays at his side throughout the day, claiming that he took a few days off from work. His presence is a balm on Merlin's raw mind, from which he tries hour after hour to draw some memory from, to no avail. There's no flashes inside his head, no pictures, and he's starting to lose hope when the night falls.

It's only late in the afternoon that he understands that the visit he's waiting for won't come. He would have thought his mother to be the first at his side, even before Arthur, but the fact that she's still not there five days after his accident is telling. The fact that he feels an inexplicable sadness every time he thinks about her is even more so. That's why when everyone is gone and the sun is low in the sky, leaving the moon at its place, he finally asks Arthur :

" My mother " he says, and he doesn't need to add more.

Arthur looks at him with so much sadness in his eyes that it answers him. It's not as if he still had hope, but he cries anyway.

" How long ? " he asks, voice hoarse.

" She died two years ago " Arthur answers.

He looks conflicted, and the twitch in his hand tells Merlin why. He sticks out his hand, and Arthur takes it, sitting beside his bed.

" I'm so sorry " Arthur tells him, and it's wrong to see him so compassionate - as if he truly knew what it felt like.

And perhaps he does, Merlin thinks, because...

" You lost your mother too " he says, voice soft and full of wonder, and it could have sounded harsh without the question hidden within.

Arthur's head snaps up, and there's hope burning in his eyes.

" Merlin ? " he asks, voice wavering. " Do you... "

Merlin shakes his head, a bit sad, a bit wistful.

" I don't remember " he says. " Just a flash, and I thought..."

" We were already close when I told you that, Merlin " Arthur says, emotion roughening his tone.

Merlin smiles.

" Yeah " he says simply.

It sounds like a promise.

***

The doctor, Mithian Nemeth, comes visit him the next day. His arm is healing nicely, she says, and when Merlin tells her that he remembered something, a detail from Arthur's life, she smiles at him.

" It's a very good thing " she says, ever kindly. " It means you didn't completely lose your memory ; it's still there somewhere. You just have to recover it. "

She warns him that it could be a very long process, but it gives him hope. She also tells him that talking with his friends about the last six years would help :

" Anything can trigger a memory " she states. " It can be a sound, a name, a smell...Anything. "

The same evening, when Arthur enters his room, Merlin gets struck once more by the sight of him. Wearing tight fitting jeans with a plain blue shirt that brings out the color of his eyes, he looks incredibly good. His blond hair forms a halo above his head and Merlin fights the urge to run his fingers through the golden locks. He looks tired, but at least the dark circles under his eyes are gone, as if he finally managed to get a good night of sleep.

" Hey " Merlin asks wanly, trying to pull himself together.

 _Get a grip, Emrys_ , he admonishes himself.

" Hey " Arthur replies, and it's unfair how his voice can send shivers down Merlin's spine. " How was your day ? "

Merlin tells him about his conversation with his doctor, and how she thought they should talk about what he doesn't remember. Arthur looks uncomfortable, but relents.

" What do you want to know ? " he asks.

And it's strange how Merlin doesn't mind that Arthur sits close to his bed or holds his hand as they talk, as if they are more than friends. It's strange because he stills remembers the days he did his best to avoid him in the hallways of their school, terrified that the bully would beat him up for being a nerd or being gay or standing up to him. _Arthur_ should terrify him, and yet, when Arthur smiles at him, his heart thunders in his chest.

" Are we truly friends ? " he blurts out suddenly.

Arthur looks taken aback by the question, and there's a cloud darkening his expression, but he smiles nonetheless :

" We are " he replies, voice firm.

Merlin thinks back to his conversation with Gwaine, and thinks that it's now or never :

" Prove it " he says challengingly.

Arthur laughs, even if it's a bit strained, and raises an eyebrow.

" Alright " he says, " what do you want to know ? "

" My favorite food " Merlin says after a thought.

If they lived together for at least a few months Arthur should know that. Arthur shakes his head with a wry smile :

" Chicken pasta " he replies, certain. " And boxes of cereal - with soy milk - when you don't want to cook. "

His smile is almost affectionate as Merlin nods.

" Favorite animal ? "

Arthur snorts, and his eyes twinkle with mirth.

" Too easy " he says. " I keep telling you that it's not a real animal, but you would say a dragon. "

" Favorite book ? "

Arthur frowns mockingly

" That's low " he says, tone light, " you don't have a favorite. You're absolutely unable to decide between at least a dozen. "

Merlin nods, grinning softly, but doesn't relent.

" Did I ever talk to you about my studies ? "

Arthur winces :

" Yeah " he replies. " Unfortunately, you did. "

Merlin smiles widely at Arthur's answer :

" So, favorite number ? "

" Thirteen. And no, Merlin, it's a _number_ , it can't be sad because people think it brings bad luck. "

" Dream holidays ? "

At that, Arthur looks away.

" A cabin in the woods with your boyfriend. Hikes during the day, hot sex during the night and lots of cuddles at any time. "

Merlin frowns. Arthur seems wrong footed, and it's true that the answer is awfully specific : but true nonetheless. A thought strikes him :

" You're not uncomfortable with me being gay, are you ? " he asks, rather forcefully.

" What ? " Arthur exclaims, suddenly wide eyed. " No ! "

At Merlin's bemused expression, he adds, subdued :

" No, Merlin, I'm really not. "

" Alright " Merlin replies, somewhat reassured.

There's something wrong here, he can feel it, but he doesn't know what, so he asks, as if nothing happened :

" Favorite color ? "

" Light blue " Arthur replies, " like the sky in the summer. "

Merlin's eyebrows shoot up.

" False ! " he singsongs. " It's blue, alright, but rather dark. Like the ocean. "

Arthur suddenly tenses and looks away. Merlin can only see his profile, but are there tears in his eyes ?

" Arthur ? " he asks worriedly. " Are you alright ? "

Arthur nods, head moving jerkily and too fast.

" Yeah " he says, and he sounds unmistakably hurt. " I'm fine. "

" But..."

" It's fine, Merlin. "

He obviously doesn't want to talk about it, so Merlin tries to change the subject :

" Well, you obviously know me " he says with a strained smile. " So I believe you. "

He scrambles for a subject that's innocent enough for them to discuss :

" I guess I graduated " he says, " so maybe you could tell me where I work now ? "

Arthur takes in a shuddery breath. He straightens his shoulder and turns back to Merlin to answer. And if his eyes are unusually bright as he speaks, Merlin doesn't call him on it.

***

The memories come back by snatches, faint flashes, fragments. It's like a puzzle he tries to complete, one piece at the time, unable to see the whole picture. Talking with Arthur helps, as well as the visits of his friends. He spends hours with Gwaine and Leon and Lance, Gwen, Perceval, Elyan, all having a piece or several to give him, and even gets a surprise call from his uncle, Gaius.

He remembers some things, like the color of Gwaine's bike, Perceval's job, or Lance's favorite drink. It's not much but it's a step. What he doesn't understand, though, is why they all seem to avoid the subject of Arthur. Every time he tries to bring him up, they look away or mumble a half answer which always misses its mark. He doesn't dare push, but their silence hurt him. He thinks back to the conversation between Arthur and Gwaine he eavesdropped on on his second day back to consciousness. He doesn't understand.

The hospital keeps him for a few more days, Doctor Nemeth saying that it's best for him to be monitored for a while, having lost consciousness for several days. His room bores him but he can't leave without being accompanied by a nurse - least he suffers from sudden dizziness - so he avoids it, rather wanting to be alone to think. He does go out once or twice, and Elena gladly comes with him. She turns out to be a lovely woman, clumsy as hell but kind-hearted. Once, she brings him a tray of cupcakes she made herself, and it tastes heavenly after the hospital's food. Also, she gladly thumps him on the back when he chokes on them as she tells him that she got Gwaine's number.

But mostly he stays inside, talking with whoever comes by - be it Arthur, every time he can, or their friends, bringing books and games, or nurses (and even once a kid named Mordred that didn't remember his room number, and stayed with him for a good hour, fascinated by Merlin's plaster - he even offered to decorate it with fire-breathing dragons and castles and knights in shining armor).

Merlin sighs as his gaze falls on the flowers beside his bed. Arthur brought them as a gift from his sister, who was abroad for work, and there was a note with it (" Get better, you slag ! ") that made him smile. He sighs again and gets up to stand beside the window. He's alone in his room and the day in young, the sun peeking out from behind the mountains. He thinks about Morgana, the woman he once barely knew. He doesn't remember her and it saddens him, but he's used to it by now.

He blinks as he sees his reflection in the mirror. It troubles him still. His hair is much longer now than it was when he truly was nineteen, dark locks curling around prominent ears. His eyes are a startling blue, and he knows if he looked closer he would see specks of gold in it. There's a rough stubble on his cheeks and chin, making him look older than he is - than he thinks he is and knows he isn't.

His head wound isn't visible at the back of his head, hidden by his curls, but the doctor said it would barely scar anyway. His plaster is white on his left arm, but now there also are a few colorful drawings on it - courtesy of Mordred ( he came back the day after his first visit with his crayons, escaping the careful watch of the nurses ). Arthur had laughed loudly upon seeing it, saying that Merlin looked just like the princess on his arm. Merlin had pouted, and Arthur had made an aborted movement toward him before getting up, shoulders tense.

Merlin doesn't know how long he stays in front of the window, but the sun is high in the sky when he realizes. The sky is so very blue, a light color, bright and deep, and it looks just like his favorite color, because it reminds him...

He freezes. His breathing becomes labored as the veil in his mind thins, allows him one more memory, surrenders one more piece of his puzzle - of his past. He scrambles for the phone beside his bed (his own is still at home, forbidden in the hospital) and types the number mechanically - and isn't it weird that he knows it by heart ?

Arthur answers on the third ring, instantly worried because he knows who's calling.

" Merlin ? "

His voice makes Merlin shiver, and he should have clued in then.

" My favorite color " he states. " My favorite color was dark blue. "

He takes a deep breath, tries to calm the wild beating of his heart and fails.

" Arthur, why is my favorite color light blue ? "

He hears the sharp intake of breath and knows he was right to call.

" Arthur, _why_ ? "

His own voice is cracking, pressing and urgent. And the answer shatters him.

" Because it's the color of my eyes " Arthur replies.

Merlin waits for a beat, frozen, before ending the call.

He doesn't answer when Arthur calls back, feeling numb.

***

Merlin spends the rest of the day in muted silence, barely answering his nurse's greeting with a nod. His mind is reeling, his heart beating too fast, his breathing too shallow. It takes him the nurse's remark to notice that he's shaking - he's too shocked to realize.

His favorite color is the color of Arthur's eyes, and it doesn't make sense. But then, a lot of things don't make sense. The effect Arthur's voice has on him, strangely soothing. The way he lights up every time he sees him, as if Arthur is the very light of his life. The way Arthur watches him sometimes, when he thinks Merlin isn't looking. The heat in his gaze. The way Arthur touches him - the fleeting caresses - and the way he lets him. The way he leans into the touch.

It doesn't make sense because they're friends, and why would Arthur and all the others lie to him about that ? But then again, they all avoided the subject - and Arthur all but left the room under the excuse of getting some coffee when Merlin brought up the subject of his romantic relationships. It shouldn't make sense, Merlin thinks, but it does. So he waits, laying on his bed, looking out the window.

He waits and outside, the sky is darkening with clouds.

***

It started raining at some point of the day, and Arthur's coat is soaked when he appears at the door of Merlin's room. For the first and only time he asks the permission to enter - as if he knows Merlin could refuse him ; as if he would let him. Merlin nods anyway, for he needs answers and Arthur is the only one able to give them to him.

He watches with rapt attention as Arthur makes his way toward his chair - the one he used every time he came to see Merlin. He takes his time studying him : hair mussed up for having too often passed his hand through it, lips bitten raw by worry, knuckles cracking softly as he tries to figure out what to say.

Merlin looks up then and locks Arthur gaze with his, eyes pleading and profoundly blue, the very color that had his stomach in knots all day. Arthur looks impossibly beautiful in the dim light of the room, and Merlin wants to sag in his arms and let himself be reassured. He wants to curl up beside Arthur on his bed. He wants to kiss him.

" Who am I to you ? " he asks, voice thin.

Arthur looks pained.

" Because it doesn't make sense, Arthur " and Merlin's voice is cracking, his desperation showing through. " What I feel and what my mind tells me don't make sense. "

He breathes and speaks again, not letting Arthur stop him :

" When I first saw Gwaine after the accident, I wanted to hug him and strangle him at the same time. I was angry with him and I didn't know why, and yet seeing him made me giddy, happy. And it's confusing, because even if I remember some things now, for me he's still the sort-of-friend I called when I wanted a good shag with no strings attached. "

Arthur flinches at his words, but Merlin isn't done :

" And then Leon told me about Morgana and I knew, I _knew_ that I should pity him for being with that harpy, and yet it made me happy. I was glad for him, as if Morgana was a very good friend of mine. And she is, I learned, now I know she is, but my mind barely remembers her. "

He shudders but continues, because he knows he has to get the words out before they can suffocate him.

" And you " he says, " _you_ , Arthur...You're the worst of all. And I don't understand. "

His throat is tight and it hurts to talk.

" I don't understand, Arthur. Because when I see you I see the bully I was terrified of in high school, my mind tells me that I should be terrified of you still and yet..."

" Merlin. "

Arthur's voice is soft, but Merlin can't let him talk. He twists his hands in the sheet, pale as his own skin, and continues :

" And yet, when I'm with you, I'm not afraid. You calm me. You make me feel _safe_. And I feel like...I feel like _I love you_ , and _it doesn't make sense_. "

He looks up to see Arthur looking at him - really looking. There are tears streaking down his cheeks and it's wrong, because Arthur never cries, he didn't ever, not when his father died, not when they nearly broke up over an argument, not when Merlin finally accepted to move in with him...

Suddenly there's a hand cupping his cheek, interrupting the flow of his thoughts, a thumb stroking the soft skin where his own tears fell without his knowing.

" Merlin " Arthur says, voice rough with emotion. " I'm sorry " he whispers " for not telling you. "

" Why didn't you ? " Merlin asks.

" The doctor said that it was best to avoid any emotional shock for now. And you remembered me as the golden boy from high school, not even your friend, and I thought...I thought..."

He chokes on air and falters, but Merlin understands. He finally does.

" It's okay " he says, " It's okay. Just tell me - tell me about us. Please. "

Arthur looks away for a second, before leaning in and brushing a soft kiss to the corner of Merlin's mouth, making Merlin shiver.

" Okay " he murmurs. " Okay. "

Merlin allows himself to fall into Arthur's embrace like he wanted to, inhaling his scent, breathing in softly. Arthur's arms tighten around him, pressing him against his chest, and he gently kisses his brow.

" You're right " Arthur says after a beat, " we aren't friends. "

He waits for a second to gather his thoughts before continuing :

" We've been together for four years " Arthur starts. " We didn't tell the others at first, thinking it would be awkward if it didn't work out. "

A faint smile stretches Arthur's lips.

" It's the reason Gwaine calls you luv', actually. He heard me once call you love in public, and he found it funny at first - he was pissed enough. He realized later what it meant, and this is how we came out to our friends. The nickname stuck. "

Merlin smiles at that. With a mind of his own, his hand seeks Arthur's, and they entwine their fingers together. Arthur looks down at their hands, thoughtful, before adding :

" It took you a few months to tell me you were gay, and a few more for me to admit that I wanted you. "

He smiles ruefully :

" I asked you out and you said yes. "

He adds, almost as an afterthought :

" The first time we kissed was during our first date. We were at a fair and you just threw yourself at me. "

Merlin closes his eyes, heart beating steadily in his chest :

" You had just won me a stuffed dragon " he whispers. " I was so happy with it and I didn't know what to do, so I just kissed you. "

He feels Arthur squeeze his hand, gentle.

" Tell me more " he asks.

And Arthur does.

***

The conversation ends way into the night. It's a relief for Merlin to finally get the answers he needs. More fragments come to him : fleeting memories of Arthur sprawled in their bed, flushed and sex sated ; of him at a bar with their friends in their early relationship, the day Arthur asked him to move in - asked for them to buy a house together ; the day Arthur brought him pancakes in bed for his twenty-fourth birthday.

The memories aren't much, of course, and don't match up to years spent together. But Merlin finds it more and more easy to rip apart some parts of the veil to recover his puzzle pieces. He knows now that it's possible, so he tries and tries and tries again to remember.

During this night, Merlin asks all the questions that goes through his mind, knowing Arthur will answer. At first, it's innocent questions, like the colors of their walls at home or how many movies they own. He learns that most of their walls are white, except in the kitchen, where Merlin chose them red and gold to remind him of his mother's kitchen. He learns that they have the entirety of young Arthur's collection, and that's it's quite a lot.

He also learns that they don't own any pet, as Merlin's afraid he won't be able to take care of them, and that they like to go out on Friday nights and eat Chinese takeaway at home on Saturdays. Arthur tells him that Merlin's the one to cook whenever he feels like it, but that Arthur takes care of the laundry, as Merlin likes to mix the color with no sense whatsoever of the danger it represents ( one of Arthur's favorite shirts turned from red to sickly purple, and he didn't want to repeat the experience).

Later on, their conversation turns toward more personal matters, like their feelings for each other and their sexuality. Merlin is the first to broach the subject, knowing Arthur won't as long as he doesn't recover his memories of them.

" The first time we had sex " he asks, a bit nervously, " where was it ? "

Arthur looks for a second like he won't answer, but seems to shrug out of it pretty quickly :

" You came to my room in uni after our exams. We wanted to celebrate it, and one thing leading to another I sucked you off on my bed and we fell asleep together. "

Merlin's eyes crinkle as he smiles :

" Sounds like a thing we would do " he says.

He thinks for a second, but Arthur truly knows him well because he anticipates his question and says :

" Our first time together was my first time with a man. You asked me what I wanted, and you nearly came like a schoolboy when I told you I wanted you to fuck me. "

Merlin blushes scarlet at the words, almost embarrassed until :

" You still came before me " he retorts, a wide smile on his face.

Arthur startles and laughs, joy bubbling inside his chest :

" I did " he agrees. " Funny that this, of all things, is what you remember. "

Merlin laughs with him, happiness warming his insides. Because he's got more pieces now, and there's a steady stream of them at the back of his mind. That's why he asks :

" There's a nightstand beside our bed. We use it only to keep our condoms and lube. True or false? ''

Arthur stops laughing abruptly, but his eyes still shine with mirth :

'' True. But... ''

He hesitates to continue, but finally adds : '' We stopped using condoms a while ago. ''

'' Oh '' Merlin says, flushing. '' Right. ''

Arthur coughs to cover another laugh.

'' It's true that it must be weird, if you don't remember '' he says, eyes crinkling.

Merlin nods and quickly rubs his burning face. It makes sense, after all, if they trust each other enough and are committed to each other. It just feels strange, because even if he doesn't remember Arthur as he was in high school anymore, he just has snatches of what their life together is, broken fragments that don't add up to the full story yet.

Arthur looks at him, thoughtful :

'' Okay '' he says after a beat. '' My turn. ''

He breathes deeply, as if stealing himself for the answer :

" The first time I told you I loved you " he says finally. " When was it ? "

Merlin is smiling before Arthur even ends the question, and looks shyly at Arthur from under his lashes.

" Knowing you, it would have been truly soppy " he says.

Arthur raises an eyebrow, and Merlin bits his lips, conscious that he hasn't really answered the question. But the memory is there, so he knows he can :

" We were at a bar with the others " he finally replies. " I didn't have any change left, so you offered to pay for my drink. I told you as a joke that you must truly love me to do so. I was a bit tipsy at the time, I didn't realize, but you only said yes. You only said..."

" _Yes, I truly love you_ " Arthur said.

His light blue eyes are shining with tenderness and something so much deeper that Merlin doesn't dare name, but that Arthur does, because he's fearless :

" I truly do, Merlin " he murmurs, brushing his lips over Merlin's mouth.

Merlin feels warmth spreading inside his chest and doesn't hesitate to return the kiss, pressing his mouth against Arthur's. His hand buried in Arthur's hair, he lets the blond claim his mouth, with sweet strokes of the tongue that soon turn heated. More memories come back to him, and suddenly Arthur isn't a stranger nor a friend but the man he loves, and it's with a relief bigger than himself that he abandons himself to Arthur's touches.

They both are already shirtless when a knock on the door startles them. The pair springs apart as the door opens, revealing a kid behind.

" Mordred ? " Merlin asks, bewildered. " What are you doing here ? "

The boy watches them with big blue eyes, innocent as if he didn't just interrupt two men on their way to...

Merlin flushes at the thought and wills his erection down as he sees Arthur readjust himself, cheeks pink and slightly breathless from their kiss. His lips are red and Merlin only wants to kiss him more, but there's a child in his room and he can't do anything but smile at him.

" Can't sleep " Mordred whines, " and the telly doesn't work. Can I draw on your arm again ? "

The kid looks truly lost, so Merlin has no choice but accept :

" Sure " he says. " But after you're going back to your room, okay ? "

As Mordred nods his assent, Merlin tries to catch Arthur's attention. The latter rolls his eyes at him and smiles, before getting up. Merlin's afraid for a second that he'll leave when Arthur leans in to brush a soft kiss on Merlin's lips, murmuring a word for him only :

" Later " he says.

Heat explodes in Merlin's groin and he groans lowly, watching Arthur's laughing retreat at his predicament.

***

The nurse that finds Mordred in the middle of the night, attracted by the light in Merlin's room and the childish laughter that escape from it, splutters profuse apologies, looking absolutely mortified.

She reddens even more when she notices that Merlin isn't alone in his room, as Arthur returned some time during the wild coloring of Merlin's plaster with a cup of coffee in his hand, and two cups of chocolate in the other, for Merlin and Mordred.

Arthur smiles and waves her apologies away as Merlin helps Mordred recover all his crayons, and soon they're both gone, Mordred with a beaming smile on his face, yawning, waving both Arthur and Merlin goodbye.

They wait a beat after their departure before Arthur stands up again and walks toward Merlin. Two steps are enough and he wraps his arms around Merlin's waist, kissing him soundly on the mouth, chuckling at Merlin outraged features :

" You prat ! " he hisses. " Don't think I didn't see you, looking at me like that ! "

" Like what ? " Arthur asks, husky voice sending shivers down Merlin's spine.

" Like you wanted to fuck me ! " Merlin exclaims, tone low but angry.

Arthur muffles a laugh on Merlin's shoulder :

" That's exactly what I want " he says.

Merlin groans as arousal spikes inside him :

" There was a child in the room, for God's sake ! Do you truly have so little sense of propriety ? "

Arthur bits his lip, not looking apologetic in the least :

" I didn't do anything, did I ? " he asks, the picture of innocence.

" You looked at me " Merlin hisses. " Do you know how many times I wanted to throw Mordred out to let you bend me over the bed ? "

Arthur's eyes widen at his words. His flicks his tongue out to taste the skin of Merlin's neck before gently biting his earlobe, making Merlin stifle a moan.

" We can do that now " Arthur suggest. " You'll just have to be quiet. "

Arthur smiles as he takes a step back, fumbling with his coat until he takes out two foiled packets.

" You're a menace " Merlin says breathlessly when he recognizes them.

He wastes no time in taking of his clothes, only keeping his boxers on, knowing that seeing him half naked will drive Arthur wild. And his memories don't fail him this time, because Arthur's gaze roams over him hungrily, drinking in the sight of him like a man starved in front of a feast.

Arthur is on him in a second, cupping his face between his hands and kissing him again, but with much less finesse this time. The kiss quickly turns wet and dirty, and Merlin fumbles with Arthur's belt in his haste to undress him. His hands roam over Arthur's body, high on so much skin, and he pinches Arthur's nipples in retaliation from earlier.

Arthur only laughs at that and pushes him on the bed. Once they're both naked, Arthur smiles mischievously as he takes hold of both their cocks. His moves his hand ruthlessly, making an electric shock of endless arousal travel up Merlin's spine. His thighs fall open and Arthur settles between them, never ceasing his movement, spreading precome on their cocks to make the slide easier. His lips travel down Merlin's throat and chest before closing over his nipples, sucking harshly, making Merlin arch off the bed with a loud moan.

" Quiet " Arthur shushes him with a smirk. " You wouldn't want Mordred to interrupt us again, would you ? "

Merlin groans as his hands fall on Arthur's bum. He squeezes gently and Arthur laughs, a little breathless. When he feels Merlin getting close, he removes his hand from their lengths, grabbing one of the foiled packets he probably stole somewhere in the hospital. He rips it open with his teeth and slicks his fingers with the lube, trailing one to Merlin's entrance, pushing slightly against the muscle there but not entering.

" Oh no " Merlin groans " don't you dare make me beg for it. "

Arthur only hums, before pressing his finger inside, all the way in up to his last knuckle.

" Wouldn't dream of it " he replies softly, eyes twinkling.

Merlin gasps at the feeling, the burn intense but the fullness not enough.

" Come on " he says, tilting his hips up. " Know you can do better than that. "

Arthur takes the provocation in stride and thrusts a few time with his finger before making it two, Merlin muffling a moan on his shoulder. He then curls his fingers just so, and Merlin has to bite on Arthur's neck to keep himself from crying out as pleasure shoots up his spine.

" Better ? " Arthur asks voice rumbling inside his chest.

" Better " Merlin confirms, shivers running over his skin.

Arthur murmurs a pleased sound but doesn't relent until he's stretched Merlin with three fingers, his lover babbling curses and nonsense in the crook of his neck. When finally Arthur deems Merlin ready, he pulls his fingers off of Merlin's body, chuckling at the muffled curse to " Fuck me, already ".

" Getting there " he smiles, "patience. "

Merlin turns his eyes on him as he opens the second packet, and a frown pulls at his brow when he sees the condom.

" What...I thought we didn't... "

His question is answered with a reassuring smile :

" We don't " Arthur says softly, eyes never leavings Merlin's, pupils so wide there's only a sliver of blue left. " But you told me you didn't remember, so I thought it would be better like this. "

Merlin bits his lip :

" I trust you " says finally.

Arthur only smiles wider :

" I know you do, love. But you'd rather have it, correct ? "

Merlin looks away for a second, nodding once. It's true that he trusts Arthur, with every fiber of his being, and yet he doesn't feel comfortable at the idea of Arthur fucking him bare. Deep affection for the man facing him warms Merlin's insides, as he thinks that Arthur had thought about it, about him and what he would be feeling, and acted in consequence.

" Gods " he murmurs, " I love you, you know that ? "

Arthur laughs but his eyes are a bit brighter.

" Love you too " he says, pressing a quick kiss on Merlin's nose.

He puts the condom on his shaft in one controlled movement and presses himself against Merlin's entrance :

" Okay ? " he asks breathlessly, heart thumping loudly in his chest.

Merlin wraps his legs around Arthur's waist in answer, urging him in. He moans quietly when he's breached, Arthur's cock pushing in slowly until he's settled deep inside. He waits for a bit, letting Merlin adjust to his girth, until Merlin cants his hips up, taking him in even deeper.

Arthur then starts to thrust shallowly, pleasure building low in his spine as his thrusts become deeper, brushing time and time again against Merlin's prostate at just the right angle, making him whimper in pleasure.

He doesn't speed up though, fucking Merlin at a leisurely pace, intent on making him fall apart beneath him. It doesn't take long for Merlin to come once Arthur's taken hold of his cock, moving his hand in times with his thrusts. Merlin's mouth opens in a strangled shout that sounds like Arthur's name, and it only takes one, two, three more thrusts for Arthur to fall over the edge with him.

They stay close together, Merlin's come smeared between them, as they come down from their orgasms. It takes them a while to regain their breaths, but when they do, Merlin looks at Arthur's head and whispers :

" Well, if the sex is _that_ good every time, I certainly understand what I'm doing with you. "

Arthur's snort is muffled in Merlin's chest. He waits a beat before leveling himself up on his elbows and pulling out slowly, wincing in oversensitivity as Merlin groans. He grunts with the effort of it as he gets up to get rid of the condom, and comes back with a damp cloth to clean them both.

He then settles on Merlin's bed, an arm over his waist and his head pillowed on Merlin's chest, content and sated.

" If you liked it so much, we could do it again " he mumbles softly.

Merlin laughs and kisses his forehead :

" Tomorrow " he says, carding his hand through Arthur's hair.

" Tomorrow " Arthur agrees.

They fall asleep in each other's arms.

***

The next morning, they certainly don't expect to be woken up by the sound of the door crashing open :

" Come on luv' " a voice exclaims, " time to..."

The voice trails off abruptly as Arthur burrows his head further on Merlin's shoulder, trying to shut out the noise.

There's a loud shrill and a voice hissing " I told you we shouldn't be there ! " and it's enough for Merlin to look up groggily, sleep fogging his vision.

" Wu..."

His eyes widen when he realizes what, exactly, is happening, and he scrambles up as much as he can with Arthur's weight on him, trying to cover them up with a corner of the sheet.

" Gwaine ! " he shouts. " What the hell...and you too, Elena ? "

He's beet red as he tells them off, but the blush spreads further down his chest when Arthur, still half asleep, starts mouthing at his nipple.

" Arthur ! " he hisses, pushing him away as Elena laughs hysterically.

" Oh God " she says, " I'm so sorry, Gwaine insisted on seeing you, we'll just..."

She grabs Gwaine's hand and puts the other in front of his eyes as he splutters indignantly, leading him out :

" I just wanted to say hello ! " he says, trying to see between Elena's fingers.

Suddenly Arthur's head is shooting up, and there's a mark on his cheek, and he starts growling when his eyes fall on Gwaine.

" Out ! " he says, in a tone that breaks no argument.

" But you have such a nice arse...Outch ! "

Elena pinches him mercilessly at the same time as Arthur repeats :

" OUT ! "

The pair practically run out of the room, the door rattling as they close it behind them. Arthur settles down on Merlin's chest again, as an irrepressible laugh starts bubbling inside his lover.

" I'll kill them " he says, groaning.

He always hated early mornings. Merlin trails a hand down his back :

" Elena's nice " he whispers, " ask her to make us some cupcakes instead. "

" And Gwaine ? " Arthur asks, trying to hide a smile.

" No pity for Gwaine " Merlin replies, knowing very well that Gwaine entered his room on purpose. " You can skin him alive, I don't care. "

Arthur nods at that :

" Done " he says. " Great idea. "

He grabs his phone and sighs when he sees the hour. He gets up then, walking unsteadily toward the chair where he left all his clothes. Merlin watches him dress up with a forlorn look, and Arthur gently ruffles his hair :

" Just have to go to work for a few hours, love " he explains. " I'll be back for lunch. "

Merlin spends the rest of the morning talking to Gwaine, who's glad Arthur and him finally talked about what they really mean to each other. Merlin scolds Gwaine for a bit, for not having told him, but finally relents as Gwaine apologies profusely. It's not as if Merlin doesn't understand anyway, and Arthur had his reason not to tell him. They exchange stories from uni, and Merlin tries his mind at remembering things that don't concern his relationship with Arthur.

The latter, as promised, comes back in time for lunch. For Merlin's greatest pleasure, he grabbed some takeaway on his way from work, and it's with tiny moans of pleasure that Merlin's eats the delicious food, so far from the hospital's slop. Arthur watches him, amused, and they're both enjoying some quiet time when Doctor Nemeth knocks on the door.

She explains to both of them the results of the scans Merlin passed, and it's with a smile that she tells them that there should be no lasting damage to his brain, and that his memories are meant to come back at some point.

Arthur's face is a bit shocked when Merlin states that he mostly recovered them the night before, and Merlin's grateful when Mithian Nemeth looks between them but only smiles when she understands, saying that a strong emotional connection to someone could also bring back memories in those kind of situations.

It's Arthur's turn to be grateful when she gives them the all clear to go back home. He squeezes Merlin's hand as he thanks her, and she leaves them with a warm smile and a parting _Take care_.

They pack Merlin's belonging during the afternoon, with the help of Gwaine, who came back from his lunch break with Elena, and surprisingly, Mordred, who makes Merlin promise to come back to see him soon.

Once all the books and clothes are safely stored in Arthur's car, they say goodbye to the staff of the hospital, and all the nurses wish them a safe trip home and _not to come back any time soon_. The oldest of them, a woman named Alice, even hugs Merlin, telling him in his ear that he's lucky to have Arthur, and that he'd better keep him :

" Or else I'll take him for myself " she whispers, making other nurses giggle.

Merlin laughs at the remark and even more so when Arthur bows before her and kisses the back of her hand, saying :

" It would be my pleasure, but I think I'll stay with him for a while. "

He looks at Arthur with love in his eyes, and Arthur smiles warmly when he sees it.

" Come on " he says, " let's go home. "

***

The first days adjusting back to his life at home pass in a blur for Merlin. He doesn't have a sudden breakdown, and no memories come flowing back when he sees the place Arthur and him live in. It takes some time, but eventually Merlin recovers all his memories. Arthur assists him all the while, steadfast and loving, and Merlin's sure he never loved anyone more in his entire life.

Will shouts at him when he calls to explain what happened, raging that he should have been there. When Merlin tells him that he thought for a while that he was nineteen and that Arthur was still a bully, Will laughs loudly and says he wishes he was there to see Arthur's face. Merlin hangs up on him at the words but there's a smile on his lips.

Elena and Gwaine start to see each other more frequently, and Elena slowly becomes part of their group. They surprisingly learn that Mithian Nemeth is also Elena's friend, and the first time she's invited to one of their nights out is awkward to say the least. It only takes Gwaine cracking a few jokes and Mithian replying in kind for them to unwind, though, and soon they learn that the dark-haired woman isn't only insanely smart but also kind and funny.

Merlin sees Mordred again two weeks after the incident, when he goes back to the hospital to have his plaster taken off. Mordred looks sad at the sight, but beams at Merlin when the latter gives him his plaster as a souvenir. Mordred gives him a drawing in exchange, and Merlin turns beet red when he realizes that the drawing is of Arthur and him, on the night Mordred interrupted them. Arthur decides the same evening to pin it on their refrigerator, and laughs to the point of crying every time he sees it.

Merlin's last memory comes back exactly seventeen days after the incident. They're in their bed with Arthur, talking about approaching holidays, and the final part of the veil dissolves in his mind.

" The bastard " he exclaims suddenly, making Arthur jump.

" Alright, love ? " he asks worriedly.

Merlin hums, but he looks murderous.

" I'm going to kill Gwaine " he says. " But I'm fine, really. "

" You know I wouldn't object to that, but can I at least ask why ? "

Merlin bits his lip and turns to Arthur. It's still a difficult subject for them, and Arthur remained badly shaken by the accident - maybe even more than Merlin.

" I remember, finally " he says. " I remember everything. I know what happened that night. "

Arthur tenses and Merlin puts a soothing hand on his shoulder to try to relax him.

" I had water on my socks because I tried to repair the sink " he explains softly " and there was water on the ground. I climbed up the stairs running because I was so happy, and I didn't pay attention because I was thinking..."

He takes a deep breath and can't help the ridiculously happy smile that spreads on his features.

" Gwaine ruined your surprise " he says, " that's why I wanted to strangle him. "

Arthur raises an eyebrow uncomprehendingly, so Merlin adds :

" He had just called me to tell me that you were planning your holidays, and that he saw something on your desk at work. "

He kisses Arthur softly, and the latter sighs in understanding before wrapping his arms around Merlin, warm and strong :

" Right " he says. " No surprise then. "

Merlin has no choice but to kiss his pout away, giddy with excitement :

" Doesn't matter " he says, pushing Arthur down the bed and straddling him. " You're giving me my cabin in the woods. "

" I hope you'll like it " Arthur whispers with a secret smile. " Boyfriend and hikes and sex and cuddles included. "

" I will " Merlin promises. " Our very own cabin in the woods. It'll be perfect. "

And Arthur just laughs in answer.


End file.
